Instances Of Office Idiocy #257

Colleague:  Excuse me, is this a pen?


You are holding a pen. It is incontrovertibly a pen. It is pen-shaped. It has a lid, and a nib at the end that you write with. It is full of ink. It couldn't possibly be anything other than a pen. The only way it could be more obviously a pen is if the manufacturer wrote "THIS IS A PEN" along its barrel in large, block capitals. I understand that you are not from Britain and are, as such, foreign, but I refuse to believe that pens differ significantly from country to country. I have travelled. I've seen some of the world. And I can confidently say that, from Bognor to Bombay, the world's pens are united in their essential pen-ness. A pen is a pen is a pen is a pen.


YAAGers:  Yes.


Colleague:  Oh. I thought it was something else.


 


So I shot her in the head with the high-calibre rifle I keep under my desk.
1.2.06 14:50


Blee

It is Thursday, so naturally I am feeling sick. And not just feeling, either. Yes, so far today I have chatted to God on the big porcelain telephone no less than seven times.


And yet I am still in work.


Can anyone explain to me why this is the case? Because for the life of me I can't work it out.
2.2.06 14:54


Bastard

So I went home just after 4pm yesterday, when one of my superiors (from now on to be known as Compassionate Boss) ordered me out of the office.


I still feel nauseous today, but as yet there have been no technicolour yawns so I'm back in work. What a trouper, eh?


So what do you think the first thing I saw when I came in this morning? A bunch of flowers? A card saying "Thanks for being such a dedicated member of staff?" Hell no. Instead, I was greeted by this post-it note from my boss, stuck on my computer screen:

If he intends to give me a bollocking for leaving reception unattended for fifty minutes (and it wasn't even unattended - the IT re-routed my phone to his so he could pick up any calls) then I may have to either (a) call him a cunt, then cut his bollocks off and feed them to him, or (b) quit. Or perhaps a pleasant mixture of the two.


Why are people in power often such utter, utter shits?
3.2.06 10:44


Friends

Trilby and I are about to enter a new phase in our relationship. We are going on a mini-break to Dusseldorf. And as everybody who has ever read a glossy magazine will know, mini-breaks = proper, adult relationship.


Joking aside, I am actually quite appallingly excited. I went to Germany with a show a few years back, and wasn't really expecting much. But I had an absolutely wicked time - in Dusseldorf especially. It is, after all, the home of the ambrosia that is Altbier - I love the fact that the website calls it "a good sessional beer" - which we will be supping from one of the many, many, many drinking establishments on the Altstadt, more commonly known as the Longest Bar in Europe. Rock on. And when our "session" is at an end we'll wobble out into the snow (did I mention that it is going to be snowing?), and head back to our hotel. Which looks just lovely. It's called the Hotel Friends. It ain't no ordinary hotel. Heck no. Hotel Friends has a philosophy (rather amusingly translated by Google):

Friends only a "philosophy" has: "friends win and keep"

But we do everything that stands in our power - as usual with friends!


Friends treats its guests evenly like friends.  (Not roughly like enemies, like Holiday Inn does...)


They forgot the loading station for your Handy?


They must at night iron and have at 01.30 o'clock still another shirt afterwards hunger?  (Ironing always makes me hungry. Which is why I rarely bother)


They want einen wirklichen type for the evening?  (I'm guessing "einen wirklichen type" means prostitute. Or maybe some species of moss...)


They look for a partner to games of chess in the Lounge?


They want to borrow a bicycle?



All no problem...... with friends!



Of A such as alibi to Z such as zoo attendance - we are for you da!  Promised!


 


 


It's so nice to know that if I commit a murder while I'm in Dusseldorf, the good people at Hotel Friends will provide me with an alibi. I think I might be in love with Hotel Friends. I spoke to the receptionist earlier today to explain that we would be arriving quite late, and she told me I had an excellent German accent. I love it when my friends flatter me.
10.2.06 12:30


Take it easy, with Bobby George

I've just done a voice-over for one of those interactive games wot you get when you press the red button on your Sky remote control.


I had to do an impression of the Cadbury's Caramel bunny. Hell, I can do that.

So I'm thinking sensual, silky, a little bit playful. And then they show me what I have to say:


"A hundred and forty!"


"Oooh, a hundred and eighty!"


"Bullseye!"


 


It's a darts game...
10.2.06 16:48


Warning! Not for the faint hearted!

I have been feeling a trifle deaf for the past couple of days. I realised that I should do something about this and, figuring that it was a bit late to learn to lip read, I invested in some Otex ear drops. These are supposed to "soften hardened ear wax and gently liberate oxygen to help disperse it".


"Sounds good," thought I. So I used the drops, which had a not-unpleasant fizzing sensation, and waited for my hearing to come back. But all it seemed to do was make things worse. I've spent today feeling as if my head is inside a big, woolen sock.


Then a few minutes ago, I went totally deaf in my left ear. So I did what any normal person would do - I stuck my finger into my ear and gave it a good waggle.


But when I withdrew my finger...


 


Oh holy Christ and all his little pixies.


 


 


(Sensitive souls may wish to look away now)


 


 


When I withdrew my finger, I was confronted with this:



It appears that some mischievous little so-and-so had wedged a candle into my ear. No wonder I was deaf.


Do you want to know the most terrifying thing? That huge lump of orange ear snot was from my good ear.


I really, really dread to think what is lurking in my right lug hole...
17.2.06 16:38


Lunch At My Desk #1

or, How To Avoid Going To The Nice Soup Shop Next Door.


 


Scrambled eggs with green pesto on toast.


Ingredients


3 medium eggs


Dash of milk


1 tsp green pesto


White bread


Butter


 


Method


(1) Toast bread, and set aside to cool.


(2) Beat eggs together with milk. Microwave in 30 second bursts, breaking up the eggs with a fork, until they are at the desired consistency.


(3) Butter the toast.


(4) Put the eggs on the toast, then drizzle the pesto over the top.


(5) Serve.


(6) Spend the next half an hour wondering if that actually tasted nice, or whether you're just kidding yourself.


(7) Go and eat a Chomp bar to take away the taste of pesto and egg.


 
23.2.06 13:25


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